Blogging Out
I suddenly got this urge to write a while ago while taking a bath. At first, I thought of something I wanted to ask my Ray, my old Theology teacher from college and decided to drop him a line. Then I remembered that I hadn’t gotten in touch with another member of my university’s faculty - Momah, or ‘Momma’, as I fondly called him, before leaving for the US. He was the teaching assistant of my most revered Philosophy teacher. I don’t usually write emails to people other than my boyfriend. After sending those out, I tried surfing the net till I felt sleepy but it didn’t work; I was still tossing and turning in bed after. My head was just bursting with other things I wanted write and the ideas wouldn’t let me rest, even though I am severely jet lagged and have to be up early tomorrow morning to walk off the fries I binged on today.
So finally I logged on to this brand new blog and after tweaking a bit with the lay-out, when it was time to write the monumental first entry, I blanked. I’ll ramble on anyway. Whatever helps me sleep.
See, I already have a blog but the thing with these things is that I can’t seem to allow myself to genuinely express what I feel and think because other people - people I know - are reading. And because of that, I can’t write without fear of judgment. As a result, form takes precedence over content and all the self-censoring just mutilates what I set out to write in the first place. I try too hard to be witty, funny and sarcastic because I don’t want to sound whiny and emotional and melodramatic (I refuse to use the word ‘histrionic’ because it sounds melodramatic. And pretentious. There I go again. Sorry). I don’t know why I feel that way, though because I know other people who certainly don’t have this problem. I guess it’s just this weird tick I have. Like, when I used to do theatre acting, I had a really hard time performing when I knew that my family and/or friends would be in the audience. I mean, I’d be able to deliver but the thought made me really queasy. For a time, I decided that I’d just write entries on my blog that only I could view but really, that’s no fun. My friend Ramon asked me once why I didn’t post on my blog anymore and I told him why. He advised me to put up an anonymous blog and although that was a good couple of months back, I decided to give it a shot anyway.
I’m not telling you who I am. I’ll leave it up to you to hazard a guess. There is a little clue here, after all. That portrait photo over there? Not me. It’s a photo that popped up on Google Images when I searched my name and I thought it was a pretty apt for what I’m doing here because most personal blogs I’ve read are written by people who use it to put up a front but I’m trying to do away with those.
I’m not here to make the blog to end all blogs but it would be nice if people like what’s in here. With that said, if you do happen to stumble into this thing, I would love it if you could leave proof of your discovery. Even a simple “________ was here” would do. Literally. You don’t even have to write your name because I certainly won’t.
I thank you.
